Guide to Awkward Conversations

We have all been confronted with situations where we were forced to make conversation or create dialogue and in a majority of such scenarios, at some point or the other it ends up in an awkward silence. Be it a family function where you are forced to interact with relatives whom you have never met in your life, or be it at a bar where you meet a hot person whom you are trying to impress, or be it at university or school where you are forced to make acquaintances as you require partners for the upcoming group projects, or be it at your work environment where you are required to establish a good relationship with your colleagues as your work performance and salary depends on it.  

However hard we try, how much ever effort we put in the conversation; awkward silence soon finds its way in. This awkward silence hangs in the air, with none of the parties knowing how to proceed. Tension brews, as the parties nervously flash each other smiles; while their eyes try to dart to other points of interest in the blank, empty, white room. The seemingly plain beige pumps suddenly become a matter of great importance, as we stare at it trying to memorize every crease, fold and dust particle on it. Smoothing out the non-existent creases of our outfit, fumbling around our bag for a non-existent, but critically required article, styling our hair although it already contains excess of hair gel are all common acts. Social media suddenly seems to be our only hope as we desperately open our mobile devices, fervently hoping that there are some missed calls or WhatsApp messages. In the case that none of the above is present (which is usually the case in such scenarios); we put on a false pretense of being busy by checking our Facebook feed or Instagram stories. Though the thought of making small talk repeatedly crosses our mind, afraid of making a fool of ourselves we usually don’t take the required initiative.

Once in a blue moon, when we try to further extend the conversation by making small talk; which includes references to the weather (if you stay in the United Kingdom), politics (if you stay in India), education (if you stay in Singapore), law (if you stay in the United States), fitness (if you stay in Australia), fashion (if you stay in France) etc; it always fails. The other party may also try to extend the conversation by contributing to the small talk, but after a few exchanges the opportunity provided by the topic soon turns bleak. If this is the case (which it usually is), the awkwardness barometer in the room increases up by a notch and both the parties go back to the above-mentioned actions with increased vigor and enthusiasm. Sometimes (in 0.01% of the scenarios), the opposite party may have the same interests as you, resulting in an extended, riveting conversation.

But we are not here to talk about such conversations, are we? We are here to talk about the other 99.9% of the scenarios, the ‘awkward conversations’.

Guide to Awkward Conversations:

Step 1: When you can foresee an awkward conversation coming up (which is everyday for people like me), dress up appropriately giving each piece of outfit equal importance. Select outfits which crease easily so that you can dedicate a few minutes every 10 minutes towards smoothing it out. Make it a point to wear excess of flashy accessories to ensure that the opposite party is well distracted, and this also gives you an opportunity to adjust them once a while. Wear colourful shoes, preferably over-decorated ones; which you can admire in case the conversation hits an awkward silence.  Lastly and most importantly, select a huge bag, be it a satchel, purse, hand bag, duffel bag or tote bag; ensure it is big enough to hold your phone, wallet, laptop, sunglasses, earphones, makeup and insecurities. Ladies, this is an extra special tip for you (cause I’m feeling generous): wear excessive amounts of makeup and style your hair properly. By the end of your makeup and hair routine, you should be a completely different person.

Step 2: The next step is the most important step; the preparation step. Depending on your geographical location for the day, search up the most trending topics and research on them. This is very important as this will act as your buffer for the awkward silence that is to follow. Now you all must be wondering why this step precedes the ‘getting ready’ step. It is for a very simple reason. If you perform this step before step 1 you will most likely be over-prepared for the awkward silence and will want to jump into the reserve conversation, even before the awkward silence. This will be detrimental as your research will be wasted even before the awkward silence arrives. But if you start your preparation after step 1, you will mostly be underprepared (cause don’t we all take time to get ready?); leading you to be hesitant with the ‘trending buffer’. This leads to the perfect balance as you will not unnecessarily jump into the reserve conversation, but you will be sufficiently prepared to use it, in case you hit an awkward silence.  

Step 3: The last, final; but most important step. Though I would love if this step directed us to avoid people at all costs; I’ve soon come to realise that that piece of advice never works. The harder we try to avoid people, the more people we cross paths with. So I came up with an even more foolproof plan; act as disinterested, grumpy and surly as possible. This usually discourages people from interacting with us and completely serves our purpose. Keep yourself to one corner of the room and don’t budge from there at any costs. Plug in earphones or headphones; preferably headphones and don’t move your eyes from your phone. The bigger the hearing device; the greater the sign of disinterest. Try to keep your expression as grumpy as possible and don’t ever change your expression, especially when you are browsing through 9gag memes.

That was the prevention step, but in case an awkward conversion does arise in spite of all your hard work, you know what to do. Refer back to step 1 and step 2. Have a good day!

Or you could just stay in your room all day, binge watching Netflix shows and eating pizza. Just another shorter, more effective guide. Have a great day!