Excuses 101

Welcome! I see you are late, but bop bop bop bop bop before you say anything, let me teach you what to say and how to say. So welcome to a class that you have been missing out on all your life, and a class that you will cherish all your life. Thankfully, all this information will be available online, so you do not need to pay attention (or keep telling yourself that). Welcome to ‘Excuses 101’.

Firstly, please help yourself to a seat. The back rows are already filled out, so maybe you could try sitting in the front… right under my nose. Attendance for this class will not be taken, because frankly, I am not putting myself through the torture of learning how to pronounce all of your names and also it’s hard work.

Next, why must you sit for this class? Because it is compulsory? No. Because you enjoy learning extra stuff? No. Because you are secretly in love with me? Ye…pfffff NO! You must sit for this class because it teaches you the essential life skill of cooking up lies to give excuses for actions you promised/ had to do, and you either forgot or just didn’t feel like it. I get it, man! We are all lazy human beings. Trust me, I went to heaven and I saw that it was completely empty. You know why? Cause all the human beings were being tortured in hell because of their sin: sloth. Do you know what the torture was? They had to work in retail. Forever.

Now my dearest students, unless you are blind or a dimwit or both, you would have noticed that what I basically did, was give you all an excuse for why you must attend my class, which shall teach you the proficiency of life, and is based on the sole pillar of truth: lie with an alibi. See? I did it again! Another excuse. Basically, put your bag down, cause by now you must have realized that I am good, and I know it.

Alright so first of all, you do not need to memorize multiple excuses for multiple scenarios. You simply need some generic responses for all questions, which should meet two criteria.

1.      There should be no physical evidence, so that people are not able to check up on that.

2.      It should be weird/ disgusting enough, so that people don’t want to check up on that.

Some example excuses: My contacts dried out. Legit enough right? What great thing could a blind person possibly do? You are forgetting Beethoven… and Helen Keller. Correction: What simple mundane task could you possibly do while being blind? The way people follow up on this is by usually asking about your specs. Remember, you had conveniently misplaced those things.

Bonus: Now you can work slowly the entire day because you are basically blind right now, and you get to entertain yourself by fooling the fools who ask you how many fingers they are holding up.

Added bonus: This excuse can be used by people who do not wear contacts or specs also.

Another example excuse: I had a splitting head-ache. No physical evidence right? Bom Bom! That’s a point for you, and zero for opponent.

Now, special scenario question: “Are you ticklish?” How do you answer this?

“Are you ticklish” is a loaded question. If you say no, they will test it. If you say yes, they will test it. So what is the correct answer? Give me some drumrolls!!! Some firecrackers!! Some straight As in my report card! Okay, so none of those things are going to happen. What is going to happen though, is that you shall now know that correct answer to “Are you ticklish?”, which is, “I have diarrhoea”.

In fact, if you think about it, “I have diarrhoea” is the best response to multiple other scenarios also.

“Why are you late to class?” – I have diarrhoea

“Why did you break up with Lex?” – got diarrhoea babes

“Why are you so skinny?” – cause diarrhoea

“Why haven’t you cleaned your room?” – Diarrhoeaaaaaa

“Where do you get your sense of humour? – DIAR… no wait. That would be coping mechanism.

Anyway… Which ever road you decide to tread, remember to remember which excuse you used. Your contacts can’t be getting dried up every other day, and you cant have diarrhoea every Sunday to skip Church. Mix it up a bit, alright? Sometimes go with “I have constipation”.