Women’s Guide to Picking Up Men

Firstly, Athena is, as usual, helping me edit- by adding useless commentaries on an article with content as important as this one. They look like this. And they are not useless. I call them insightful.
Do you start blushing whenever that cute guy from calculus class, Lex, who sits three desks diagonally away from you asks to borrow a pen from you? Does your heart beat get faster when your dentist removes his medical mask to reveal his highly symmetrical face, with cheekbones so sharp you might cut yourself on them? Do you worry about embarrassing yourself whenever you are dancing in a club with your guy and gal friends, knowing well that you have two left feet? Do you feel like your mind has gone blank, while you are in the middle of an exam that you started to prepare for on the way to the exam-hall, and co-incidentally the invigilator is smoking hot? Well; blushing, rapid heart-beats, worrying about embarrassing oneself, and mind going blank are all symptoms of social anxiety. So, now that I have raised your awareness, do remember to book an appointment with your psychologist. I cannot help you with that. However, I may be able to help you with something else. Let’s get a fresh start, shall we?
Are you a woman on a hunt for life-long love, or compassion, or just looking for a night’s action? Does your mirror portray your hotness, but your phone’s front camera shows you to be a walrus with slightly smaller teeth? Do you feel like you are playing the role of the lonely supporting character in the daily soap involving your life? Do men usually talk to you to get the attention of your hot best friend (Me? Jealous much?),  who's talking is smoother than the butter you spread on your bread, while you have to mentally prepare an answer before opening your talking hole, and in case of any confusion, you simply retort to laughing, which begins to sound like a dying walrus? Well, first, you might want to do a quick DNA test, just to ensure whether it is similar to a walrus’s, and second you might want to congratulate yourself for coming here for help. This helpful guide, will explain the steps for a woman, such as yourself, to pick up a nice handsome man.
Take my advice and run away right now. You are saving yourself from a whole lot of mental abuse. I mean ‘mental abuse’ is an understatement, but you get the point.
‘What people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed’ ~Rick. Therefore, since we are dealing with a forced chemical reaction here, in my opinion, the best approach to follow would be taking the steps involved in writing a chemistry experimentation report, such as background information, hypothesis, listing of materials, procedure, error analysis and conclusion. However, since it still has to be adopted to a real life situation, the order in which this list is conventionally followed, is dissimilar to what is ideal to follow for our purpose.
Listing of Materials
This should be your first step. ‘Materials’ include what you are wearing.
A form fitting or loose dress, or a crop top or an oversized shirt with full jeans or shorts, or a blouse with a skirt. Honestly, wear whatever you are comfortable with, as long as it is not what you wore last time, because that clearly did not work out for you (given by the fact that you are reading this blog right now), and because it might attract unwanted attention from all the other girls who have been secretly keeping a mental tally of who is wearing what, and on what occasion. (Note to you: you might want to avoid such people, you only have a limited number of clothes that you keep repeating).
Wear something you are comfortable in. If that means sneakers with a pink flared dress, so be it. Men love confidence, so remember to carry it all around. You might want to impose your confidence on another man by stomping your feet loudly, without any regard for the beats of the music playing at the club, and exclaiming over and over again, “I am so damn confident!”. This works for two things, firstly, as already mentioned, you are expressing your confidence, and secondly you are gaining his attention (for the wrong reasons?).
Background Research
Now let me paint you a scene. You are at a social gathering and spot the man of your dreams: that charming smile, deep dark eyes, six pack abs, with a divine light shining on him as he moves in slow motion … basically someone who looks like he would chase after you after the clock strikes twelve (or like romance king Shah Rukh Khan), and you, ‘mistakenly’ leave your shoe behind. In retrospect, do not ever lose one of your shoes, especially if they are heels, because you and I both know how hard running away must be, without either spraining your ankle or breaking off the heel of the other shoe in anger.
Alright, after you have spotted The Man, there can be two scenarios. It is possible that you know his name from beforehand (maybe, his name is Lex), or it is also possible that you have already planned your kid’s name(s) out, but have no clue what his name might be. If it is the latter case, then there is an added step for you: Find out his name.
No, sit down! Where are you going? You can’t just talk to him and ask his name! That is just preposterous!
Do not worry. I have a simpler way. First, make a mental tally of all the people in the room whom he has waved to, or smiled at, or danced with. Important tip: usually those are the gestures a non-creepy person does to the people he is acquainted with. Great! Now that you have an idea of all the people who he might know, simply wait till one of them can be singled out. Some woman-to-woman advice: usually when they go to refill their glass, or when they go to use the washroom. Unlike us, guys prefer going to the washroom alone. So, if the friend you have targeted is a guy, then simply wait outside the washroom, and stare at the door till he comes out. If it is a girl, then singling her out might be more difficult. Expert tip: To make things simpler, target a male friend of your Prince Charming.
Then comes step two in knowing The Man’s name. Stare at his targeted friend straight, so hard that your eyes should be able to pierce through his soul, and while doing this, slowly walk towards him. This is important, so that he knows that you are walking up to talk to him, and if you do this successfully, you shall notice that he will slow down his gait, and wait for you to approach him. Once you have reached him, flash him a friendly smile: this is what usual Homo sapiens do when they want to be perceived as ‘friendly’, but you will learn all such social gestures slowly, do not worry. Once you have done that, point to Prince Charming, and innocently, yet politely, ask his friend if his name is A. You can substitute any name for A. Example question: “Valorous morrow to thee, sir. I did want to wot if ‘t be true yond sir dancing in the blue vest is no one but Mr. Lucy.” Humans have the tendency to correct others, so if you ask a wrong name, he should immediately correct you, and tell you the real name of Prince Charming. Congratulations Champion! You now know his name.
Now that you know his name, let us get down to the actual Background Research Part. Type his name in all the social media accounts you can think of, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Scroll through his posts and especially look out for the people whom he posts pictures with. Make sure you form a prejudiced opinion about him from the start itself. If you need further help in generating an opinion, you can read our next blog post about ‘What your social media feed reveals about you’. That should be enough to reach the next step.
Hypothesis
I wanted to include this step because I wanted to let you know that I know fancy words like ‘hypothesis’ and ‘nincompoop’. Not very sure what the latter word means, but I have definitely been called that multiple times, and it has the word ‘poop’ embedded in it, which makes it my all-time favorite. I have also been called a lot of other words like ‘Lira’ and ‘Did you just trespass into private, guarded property just to pet my bull-dog?’, but let us not get into that today.
Formation of a ‘hypothesis’, for those who are not aware of the meaning of this fancy word, basically means to form a biased opinion on the start, so that when you actually find out what a ‘nincompoop’ that guy is, it hurts you a little less.


With that, I come to an end of pre-procedure. Tune in to us next week for more insightful insights on how to get your guy.