Now that you have successfully locked target, let's get the procedure
rolling.
Procedure
Now that you are done with all the back-ground research stuff, here comes the actual field work: The Procedure. For simplicity, this can be broken down into further steps:
1) Shoo!
First, you will need to clear the ground, or in lay-man terms, don’t let any other guy pick you up. Remember your mission. You are there to pick you Prince Charming up. If, before you get a chance to even talk to him, some other guy approaches you to try and pick you up, then that totally beats your purpose. You must stop him. You must rise above the force. You must break the stereotype. You must win. Remember. Remember…
Alright, now that you remember, the next question is how to get him to go away? No, don’t even think about that! Bad idea! You can’t just tell a guy you are not interested! How absurd! Guys think ‘disinterest’ is a sign of ‘high-interest’, because girls like “playing hard to get” ~ Hi-Five. Yes, whoever gave them that advice, knew nothing about girls.
So, if you can’t directly tell them, what do you do?
“Shoo!”
Yes, you ask them to shoo. No, don’t give me that confused look. Allow me to explain. Men are like confused pigeons, and usually they are unable to decipher the common human tongue. So, if you ask them to shoo, he will usually glance at you one last time (because, girl, let’s all agree that you are looking magnificent), and then move away by his own accord.
A little tip from personal experience: If you say shoo to one guy, and if you say it loud enough, then no other guy is going to approach you in an attempt to pick you up for the rest of the night.
Added bonus: Now you can concentrate on your Prince Charming.
2) Lock target
Alright, home girl, now there are two possible scenarios that you are going to face. Since I am trying to prepare you for every possible case, I shall give you an insight on what to do, no matter which of the two scenarios you are challenged with.
i. He is with one girl
If this is the case, then shoot down your glance to look at the position of his hands. A man’s hands decides the type of relationship he shares with the girl.
If they are on her waist, then you might want to wait for 6 months and then try again. It’s alright, it’s not like you have other friends, so you can afford to wait for your Prince Charming for six months. Think of it as an investment you are doing, for a higher rate of interest upon return.
If his hands are on her back, then you might want to wait for a couple of years. Hands on back, are a symbol of love and respect… or he might just be patting her back to congratulate her for getting admission into one of the Ivy Leagues. That is what makes it even harder- not only does he love her, but she is also smart enough to get admission into an Ivy League! But girl, let’s not tear apart a relationship, correct? Let’s just wait.
If his hands are on her buttocks, then try again in an hour. He probably just met her, and won’t even remember her name tomorrow morning. He lusts for that girl. Lust, as you know, is one of the deadly sins. You are in love with a sinner, girl! Why? Why do you even like him? You won’t even be together after death, for the obvious reason that you are going to heaven, and he has got his ticket to hell. And let’s all agree about the importance of being ghost couples, so that you can scare people together after death, and sneak into movie theaters unnoticed.
ii. He is in a group
Alright girl… he is in a group, and now you must master the art of penetration. Don’t worry, this is simpler than Worli or Madhubani painting. Now, groups have the tendency to form a circle on the dance floor, and usually there is one leader, whose movements is followed by the rest of the circle. All you have to do, is grab a drink, and follow the routine of the group from a distance. Try to copy their dance moves till you think you have mastered them. Then slowly penetrate into the circle, doing that move, but sideways. Sides usually occupy less surface area, than the front, and hence, it is best to penetrate into the circle by your sides. Once, the two people beside you take notice of your presence, shoot them a 24 watt smile, look confident, and slowly turn to face the center of the circle.
Tip: try not to do any move which has the tendency to spill your drink. Drinks at a party or a club is usually expensive, and it gives the idea that you are an extremely talented, yet clumsy, person. Not really the image we are going for here.
Bro, what if he is alone? You haven’t discussed that case.
Right.... That you for pointing that out. If he is alone, then, abort mission. Take a u-turn and find yourself someone who is not a lonely loser. You cannot have a relationship with two lonely, antisocial people who might be three penguins in a raincoat wearing a human mask. 3) Make Conversation
This is the last step in procedure. You need to get over your social anxiety and speak to the Chosen One. But the question arises, how? I got your back girl! There are various methods to do this. And all of them are easy.
1. If he is in the group, then just find the most drunk person in his social circle, and go say hi to him or her. You can add the extra effect of patting the person on the back, and smiling, but be aware, that he/she might be sweaty, which directly equates to eww! Usually, the person is too drunk to notice that they don’t know you. And hopefully, any friend of your Prince Charming, is a friend of his; or they are friends with each other which is even better!. So, that’s it! You are now technically considered to be his friend. You lead the way from there.
2. But what if no one is drunk? No worries! In that case, you start with an old school joke. Let me explain with a couple of examples. Yes, I know, I would make a great teacher: I think of all the possibilities, and explain with examples, but *ahem* let’s continue.
Wait for someone in the group to say “I am cold”.
Reply with “Hi cold, I am dad.”
Bam! You have made an attempt at your first dad joke. It’s classic. It’s impromptu. It’s impressive. But, if that doesn’t cut, then ask:
“Do you know much a polar bear weighs?”
Being the good teacher that I am, I will tell you that males weigh about 450 kilograms, and females can weigh anything from 150 to 250 kilograms, according to Google. But, this information will not serve our purpose. (DUH!!) Once, you have taken a minute to absorb the questing glances and the contrasting blank faces, reply with: “Just enough to break the ice.” You lead from there.
That shouldn’t be too hard, since you have done your background research (read as ‘stalked’) him, and can now tailor your conversation to his likes and dislikes.
Just remember, two last pointers. Firstly, remember to over-analyze everything. And secondly, maintain eye contact.
Error Analysis
So, during my chemistry assessments, I usually make a table and calculate the percentage of systematic and random error present in my procedure. However, in this case, the chances of a systematic error is 0%, and random error is 100%. Literally, anything can happen, and anything can go wrong. Just remember, at the end of the day, if something does go wrong, it is not my fault, since, as already stated, the probability of a systematic error occurring is 0%.
Could you converse with that guy? Great! You have overcome your social anxiety.
Could you get him to ask you for your number? (Because, let’s be honest, although you really want to, you will never ask him for his number.) Great! You have successfully picked him up.
Could you make him fall in love with you? Great! Now just date till you break up.
If you answered with a ‘no’ to any of the above questions, then, sweetheart, he was not the right guy. And I am not here to tell you that the ‘right guy’ is going to come along one day. Damn Prince Charming! He couldn’t even remember the face of the girl he fell in love with, and had to go around touching other women’s feet, because apparently, shoe sizes are as unique as the print on a zebra. Do you really want that guy? No! You are a strong, independent, beautiful woman, with a great taste in blog articles! You do not need a man to make your life beautiful. You are going to wipe those tears, get out there, and buy a nice water-proof mascara. Then, you are going to treat yourself to a nice warm bath, and a good healthy lunch, because self-love is above everything else. You go girl! And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
Conclusion
The End.
Procedure
Now that you are done with all the back-ground research stuff, here comes the actual field work: The Procedure. For simplicity, this can be broken down into further steps:
1) Shoo!
First, you will need to clear the ground, or in lay-man terms, don’t let any other guy pick you up. Remember your mission. You are there to pick you Prince Charming up. If, before you get a chance to even talk to him, some other guy approaches you to try and pick you up, then that totally beats your purpose. You must stop him. You must rise above the force. You must break the stereotype. You must win. Remember. Remember…
Alright, now that you remember, the next question is how to get him to go away? No, don’t even think about that! Bad idea! You can’t just tell a guy you are not interested! How absurd! Guys think ‘disinterest’ is a sign of ‘high-interest’, because girls like “playing hard to get” ~ Hi-Five. Yes, whoever gave them that advice, knew nothing about girls.
So, if you can’t directly tell them, what do you do?
“Shoo!”
Yes, you ask them to shoo. No, don’t give me that confused look. Allow me to explain. Men are like confused pigeons, and usually they are unable to decipher the common human tongue. So, if you ask them to shoo, he will usually glance at you one last time (because, girl, let’s all agree that you are looking magnificent), and then move away by his own accord.
A little tip from personal experience: If you say shoo to one guy, and if you say it loud enough, then no other guy is going to approach you in an attempt to pick you up for the rest of the night.
Added bonus: Now you can concentrate on your Prince Charming.
2) Lock target
Alright, home girl, now there are two possible scenarios that you are going to face. Since I am trying to prepare you for every possible case, I shall give you an insight on what to do, no matter which of the two scenarios you are challenged with.
i. He is with one girl
If this is the case, then shoot down your glance to look at the position of his hands. A man’s hands decides the type of relationship he shares with the girl.
If they are on her waist, then you might want to wait for 6 months and then try again. It’s alright, it’s not like you have other friends, so you can afford to wait for your Prince Charming for six months. Think of it as an investment you are doing, for a higher rate of interest upon return.
If his hands are on her back, then you might want to wait for a couple of years. Hands on back, are a symbol of love and respect… or he might just be patting her back to congratulate her for getting admission into one of the Ivy Leagues. That is what makes it even harder- not only does he love her, but she is also smart enough to get admission into an Ivy League! But girl, let’s not tear apart a relationship, correct? Let’s just wait.
If his hands are on her buttocks, then try again in an hour. He probably just met her, and won’t even remember her name tomorrow morning. He lusts for that girl. Lust, as you know, is one of the deadly sins. You are in love with a sinner, girl! Why? Why do you even like him? You won’t even be together after death, for the obvious reason that you are going to heaven, and he has got his ticket to hell. And let’s all agree about the importance of being ghost couples, so that you can scare people together after death, and sneak into movie theaters unnoticed.
ii. He is in a group
Alright girl… he is in a group, and now you must master the art of penetration. Don’t worry, this is simpler than Worli or Madhubani painting. Now, groups have the tendency to form a circle on the dance floor, and usually there is one leader, whose movements is followed by the rest of the circle. All you have to do, is grab a drink, and follow the routine of the group from a distance. Try to copy their dance moves till you think you have mastered them. Then slowly penetrate into the circle, doing that move, but sideways. Sides usually occupy less surface area, than the front, and hence, it is best to penetrate into the circle by your sides. Once, the two people beside you take notice of your presence, shoot them a 24 watt smile, look confident, and slowly turn to face the center of the circle.
Tip: try not to do any move which has the tendency to spill your drink. Drinks at a party or a club is usually expensive, and it gives the idea that you are an extremely talented, yet clumsy, person. Not really the image we are going for here.
Bro, what if he is alone? You haven’t discussed that case.
Right.... That you for pointing that out. If he is alone, then, abort mission. Take a u-turn and find yourself someone who is not a lonely loser. You cannot have a relationship with two lonely, antisocial people who might be three penguins in a raincoat wearing a human mask. 3) Make Conversation
This is the last step in procedure. You need to get over your social anxiety and speak to the Chosen One. But the question arises, how? I got your back girl! There are various methods to do this. And all of them are easy.
1. If he is in the group, then just find the most drunk person in his social circle, and go say hi to him or her. You can add the extra effect of patting the person on the back, and smiling, but be aware, that he/she might be sweaty, which directly equates to eww! Usually, the person is too drunk to notice that they don’t know you. And hopefully, any friend of your Prince Charming, is a friend of his; or they are friends with each other which is even better!. So, that’s it! You are now technically considered to be his friend. You lead the way from there.
2. But what if no one is drunk? No worries! In that case, you start with an old school joke. Let me explain with a couple of examples. Yes, I know, I would make a great teacher: I think of all the possibilities, and explain with examples, but *ahem* let’s continue.
Wait for someone in the group to say “I am cold”.
Reply with “Hi cold, I am dad.”
Bam! You have made an attempt at your first dad joke. It’s classic. It’s impromptu. It’s impressive. But, if that doesn’t cut, then ask:
“Do you know much a polar bear weighs?”
Being the good teacher that I am, I will tell you that males weigh about 450 kilograms, and females can weigh anything from 150 to 250 kilograms, according to Google. But, this information will not serve our purpose. (DUH!!) Once, you have taken a minute to absorb the questing glances and the contrasting blank faces, reply with: “Just enough to break the ice.” You lead from there.
That shouldn’t be too hard, since you have done your background research (read as ‘stalked’) him, and can now tailor your conversation to his likes and dislikes.
Just remember, two last pointers. Firstly, remember to over-analyze everything. And secondly, maintain eye contact.
Error Analysis
So, during my chemistry assessments, I usually make a table and calculate the percentage of systematic and random error present in my procedure. However, in this case, the chances of a systematic error is 0%, and random error is 100%. Literally, anything can happen, and anything can go wrong. Just remember, at the end of the day, if something does go wrong, it is not my fault, since, as already stated, the probability of a systematic error occurring is 0%.
Could you converse with that guy? Great! You have overcome your social anxiety.
Could you get him to ask you for your number? (Because, let’s be honest, although you really want to, you will never ask him for his number.) Great! You have successfully picked him up.
Could you make him fall in love with you? Great! Now just date till you break up.
If you answered with a ‘no’ to any of the above questions, then, sweetheart, he was not the right guy. And I am not here to tell you that the ‘right guy’ is going to come along one day. Damn Prince Charming! He couldn’t even remember the face of the girl he fell in love with, and had to go around touching other women’s feet, because apparently, shoe sizes are as unique as the print on a zebra. Do you really want that guy? No! You are a strong, independent, beautiful woman, with a great taste in blog articles! You do not need a man to make your life beautiful. You are going to wipe those tears, get out there, and buy a nice water-proof mascara. Then, you are going to treat yourself to a nice warm bath, and a good healthy lunch, because self-love is above everything else. You go girl! And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
Conclusion
The End.
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